Challenges and learning
Toddlers thrive in an environment that challenges them; they seek to be understood, and they take in the world around them like sponges… She referred to this as the absorbent mind.
Impulsive, and not morally tilted at all
But they are not mean-spirited, spiteful, or vengeful. They are simply impulsive, following their every urge.
Self-identity and autonomy
Toddlers need to say “no.” One of the most important developmental phases a toddler passes through is the “crisis of self-affirmation.” Between 18 months and 3 years, children realize that their identity is separate from their parents’ and they begin to desire more autonomy.
Movement
Toddlers need to move. Just as an animal does not like to be caged, our toddlers will not sit still for long. They want to keep mastering movement. Once standing, they move on to climbing and walking.
Setup spaces for safe exploration
Toddlers need to explore and discover the world around them. The Montessori approach recommends that we accept this, set up our spaces for our child to safely explore, get them involved in daily life activities that involve all their senses, and allow them to explore the outdoors.
Boundaries and limits
Toddlers need limits. These limits will keep them safe, teach them to respect others and their environment, and help them become responsible human beings.
Routine
Toddlers need order and consistency. Toddlers prefer things to be exactly the same every day—the same routine, things in the same place, and the same rules. It helps them understand, make sense of their world, and know what to expect.
Intermittent reinforcement
When limits are not consistent, toddlers will keep testing them to see what we decide today. If they find it works to nag or melt down, they will try again. This is called intermittent reinforcement.
Hard times for toddlers themselves during tantrums
Toddlers are not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time. I love this idea (attributed to educator Jean Rosenberg in the New York Times article “Seeing Tantrums as Distress, Not Defiance”). When we realize their difficult behavior is actually a cry for help, we can ask ourselves, How can I be of help right now? We move from feeling attacked to searching for a way to be supportive.
Brains are still in development
Toddlers are impulsive. Their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that houses our self-control and decision-making centers) is still developing (and will be for another twenty years).
Time and patience
Toddlers need time to process what we are saying. Instead of repeatedly telling our child to put on their shoes, we can count to ten in our head to allow them time to process our request. Often, by the time we get to eight, we’ll see them start to respond.
Repeatation
Toddlers love mastery. Toddlers love to repeat skills until they master them. Observe them and notice what they are working to master.
Work along with parents in doing all sorts of household chores
Toddlers like to contribute and be part of the family. They seem to be more interested in the objects their parents use than they are in their toys. They really like to work alongside us as we prepare food, do the laundry, get ready for visitors, and the like.
Accepting a child as who she is
It’s about encouraging a child’s curiosity, learning to really see and accept a child as they are, without judgment, and remaining connected with the child, even when we need to stop them from doing something they really want to do.
Unique child
In a Montessori approach, we see the child as their own person on their own unique path. We support them as their guide and gentle leader.
Child-led approach in Montessori
In Montessori education there is a dynamic relationship between the child, the adult, and the learning environment. The child is in charge of their own learning, supported by the adult and the environment.
How to prepare the space
I prepare the space so it is simple and beautiful. I remove any clutter, I set out a few, well-chosen activities, and I make sure that activities are complete and not missing any parts so the children can work with them independently.
Observe what they are interested in learning and create a fun challenge
If a toddler is interested in climbing on the table, they are likely in a sensitive period for movement and need to practice those skills. Instead of allowing them to climb on furniture, we can create an obstacle course with pillows, blankets, things to balance on, and things to climb.
Few rules for limits of safety
At school or at home, we can have a few rules for children to live by to learn respect and responsibility for themselves, others, and the environment around them. Within these limits, children have freedom of choice, of movement, and of will.
Encouraging independances
Through independence the child learns how to be responsible for caring for themselves, others, and the environment.
Treat them as an adult respectfully
A Montessori teacher will have such respect for the child that they will treat them the same way they would an adult. We can see this in the way they speak to the child, the way they ask permission if they need to touch them.
Montessori activities for toddlers fall into five main areas:
Simple toys, single-focus
Montessori activities usually target one skill. For example, putting a ball into a box through a small hole allows the child to master this one skill. This differs from many traditional plastic toys that target multiple skills at the same time, with one part for pushing, one part where a ball drops, another part that makes a noise, and so on.
Natural materials
We also prefer to use natural materials. Toddlers explore with all their senses. Natural materials like wood are lovely to touch and generally safe for putting in their mouths, and the weight of the object is more likely to be directly related to its size.
Completion = Mastery
Montessori activities are complete. Completing an activity is important for their sense of mastery.
The process:
Prompting is not helping!
Now I see that this prompting is a kind of test for a child. And there is generally only one correct answer, so if the answer they give is wrong, we have no other option than to say, “No, that flower is yellow, not blue.” Not exactly great for building a child’s confidence.
Ask questions instead
Instead we can continue to name things, ask questions to arouse curiosity, and use observation to see what the child has mastered and what they are still practicing.
How to set up an activity
Outdoors
If possible, we can head outdoors for movement in the backyard, nearby forest, playground, town square, beach, mountain, river, or lake—even if the weather is not great. “There is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing,” as the Scandinavians like to say.
Here are some ways children can help around the home:
- Plant care - Food preparation - Snack time - Mealtimes - Cleaning - Learning to care for themselves—blowing nose, brushing hair and teeth, washing hands - Dressing themselves
Focus on the process
Focus on the process, not the result. When the child helps, the task will take longer and the result may not look perfect, but the child is learning to master these skills and will become a lifelong helper at home.
How to help
Montessori activities outdoors and in nature:
Have complementary home activities
If a child starts attending a Montessori preschool program, I’d advise against replicating the Montessori materials at home so that they will stay engaged at school. Instead we can continue Montessori at home by including the child in daily life and making sure they have time for unstructured play, opportunities to create, time outdoors, and time for rest.
Ssetting up your home
Child accessibility at hom
Tackling the clutter
Everywhere in the house is “yes” for them to go
Remember, we want our homes to be “yes” spaces that are safe for our toddlers to explore. When we find ourselves saying “no”—for example, when our child is touching something dangerous or banging on glass—we can look for ways to set up the space to remove the temptation.
Five ingredients for curiosity
Seven principles for curious humans
I don’t know is a fine answer!
When they start to ask questions, instead of simply giving them the answer, we can say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.”
Messier and slower - but memories for life
Having young children involved does mean that it’s messier and slower. But we are making connections and memories that will last a lifetime. Those of us struggling with fitting this into our days and weeks with work and life commitments can start with moments when we do have time.
Don’t like to be rushed
With toddlers, the “tempo giusto” will often be a lot slower than we are used to. Toddlers do not like to rush.. Going slowly gives our child time to explore and be curious. And we would do well to learn from them. They remind us to slow down and be present.
Scaffold skills
We scaffold skills as the child gains competence and maturity. The skills will become more difficult or have more steps or require them to follow multistep instructions.
Instead of punishing, lecturing, or correcting them, try this:
Bring bored is great
Allow boredom. When we have unscheduled time in our day to sit without anything planned (and without technology to entertain us), our child has a chance to be bored. Their mind can wander and daydream, they can come up with new ideas, and they can make new connections.
Feeling significant and belonging
Toddlers want to feel significant, they want to feel like they belong, and they want to be accepted for who they are. If we understand this, we can move away from doing battle with them or being triggered by them, and move toward being able to guide, support, and lead them.
If they are beating their sibling
“It’s okay to disagree, but I can’t let you hurt your brother/sister. You sit on this side of me, and you sit on the other.”
Dont’ praise, but develop intrinsic motivation
Montessori teachers believe instead that a child will learn to behave if we help to develop their intrinsic motivation—their internal radar that tells them that something is right (or wrong) and recognizes what helps (or hurts) themselves or someone else.
Avoid labelling
As the adults in their lives, we need to be careful about labeling our children. We likely have someone in our life who has been labeled “the clown,” “the shy one,” “the naughty one.” Even positive labels can be difficult to always live up to (e.g., “the clever one,” “the athletic one”). These labels can last a lifetime—something the child never grows out of.
Involve both the siblings
Once a new baby is born into the family, a young child suddenly becomes the “big brother/sister.” It is a huge responsibility to have to behave all the time and show their sibling how to be a “big kid.” Instead of always leaving the eldest in charge, for example, while we are in the bathroom, we can get children to look after each other, regardless of their age.
Common but wrong ways to deal with toddlers
Cultivating cooperation in a toddler is a tricky thing. Toddlers are naturally curious, they are impulsive, and they are servants to their will. Common ways of trying to get cooperation from toddlers include threats, bribes, punishment, and constant repetition.
Threats, bribes, and punishments are extrinsic motivation
When we threaten a child with punishment like a time-out, we begin to erode the trust between parent and child. Two things can happen. They can become scared of the adult and cooperate out of fear, or they find a way to do what they want sneakily, without their parent finding out.
How can we even scaleup threats
They simply want to avoid the negative consequences (punishment) or take advantage of the positive ones (rewards). Threats and bribes may need to get bigger and more elaborate as the child grows.
Coming up with solutions together
The child is not in charge, but they can have input into how to solve problems. We can ask, “How can we solve the problem?” and then come up with solutions together… In addition, the toddler is more likely to take ownership of the planned solution and follow through. It’s also a great skill for solving problems with others.
Checklist together
One way to solve problems with toddlers is to make a simple checklist with them (especially one with pictures)… When they are involved in making and using the checklist, they take ownership of the solution.
Use positive language
Instead of telling a child what not to do, we can tell them with positive language what they can do instead. Rather than, “No running” (what they should not do), we can say, “We walk inside”
Humor in anger
Humor is particularly useful when we are on the verge of losing our temper. Something as simple as singing a silly song can relieve some tension for us and coax a smile from them. It’s a simple way to start fresh.
Age-appropriate expectations
Have age-appropriate expectations and be prepared We cannot expect our toddler to behave in the way we like all of the time. Sitting quietly in a doctor’s waiting room or in a cafe or on a train can be very difficult. Remember that they have a strong will to explore, move, and communicate, and are very impulsive.
Adjust our own expectations for a few years
First, we may need to adjust our expectations — we may not get to read a magazine, check our phone, or make a phone call. In a cafe or restaurant, be prepared to take them for a little walk when they start to get agitated or loud, perhaps to see the chef at work or look at the fish tank together.
Be prepared with snacks and toys
Second, be prepared. Don’t forget to pack plenty of water, food, a few favorite books, and a little zippered pouch with a few favorite toys—a couple of small vehicles, a bottle with a coin to drop in, some shells, and so on.
Problem solving with our toddler
Talk in a way that helps them listen
Create ground/house rules. Example:
- We are kind to each other.
Meltdowns are fine…
We are saying it’s okay for them to melt down. Rather than trying to get the tantrum to stop as soon as possible, allow them to express all their feelings safely until they are calm, and show that we are there to help if they need us.
Training our own patience
If we find it difficult to sit and watch a toddler get dressed at toddler pace, we can find a way to make the process enjoyable, like bringing in a cup of tea or coffee (keep hot drinks out of their reach) or putting on some relaxing or upbeat music.
Serving food
Rather than filling up a toddler’s plate (which can feel overwhelming or end up on the floor), we can start with a small amount of food and let them serve themselves more if they would like.
Feeding and food
Leave the child in charge. Trust that they are taking enough. Children at this age generally will not starve themselves. They will take as much as they need if we remove our control around food and trust them to listen to their bodies.
Fluctuating appetite
If our child is not a big eater, we will often observe that their appetite fluctuates. Sometimes they don’t seem to finish anything on their plate, yet during growth spurts, they may eat three meals a day, plus snacks, and still be hungry. Their bodies know exactly what they need.
Throwing food and asking them
Throwing food off their plate can be an experiment to see what happens when it falls. Usually they start throwing their food when they have had enough to eat: They are telling us they are all finished. We can ask them, “Are you telling me you are all finished?”
Diapers are natural
Our children pick up our attitudes toward dirty diapers from infancy, and if we are screwing up our face, they will learn that it is a dirty thing instead of a normal bodily process.
Healthy attitude towards toilet traininga nd accidents
Next we can help them go to the bathroom to change. Montessori teachers generally say, “You have wet clothes. Let’s go change,” rather than, “You had an accident.”
Involving a toddler with a newborn sibling
Some toddlers like to be involved in caring for the new baby—fetching a clean diaper or getting soap for the baby’s bath. Some won’t be interested, and that’s okay, too.
Resolving sibling disputes
Siblings like to draw us into their disputes to take sides. My favorite advice (which I need to remind myself of at times) is to stay neutral and not take sides in these conflicts.
Tips for building concentration
Struggle is great!
The child’s struggle is important. The child will enjoy mastering activities that are hard enough to provide a challenge, but not so difficult that they’ll give up easily. We can wait until they are about to give up and, as before, step in to give a small amount of assistance before stepping back again. Types of help we can give our child:
Screens and modeling the behaviour
To remove temptation, put screens out of sight and out of reach. We can also be conscious of our own use of screens while our children are around.
Speaking languages
If there is more than one language in the home, we can use the One Person, One Language (OPOL) approach. Each parent chooses their mother tongue when speaking with the child, while the family uses one agreed-upon “family language.”
Learning language = 30% immersion
If the goal is to have the child be able to eventually study in a language, they need to spend around 30 percent of the week with that language.
Aim is to be a fun and relaxed family
We are not aiming to be perfect parents. When I tried to be (or appeared to be) a perfect parent, I was stressed and disconnected from my family, busy worrying about everything. Rather, we are aiming to have fun and feel relaxed with our families, starting from where we are today.
Other help is great!
The help could be a babysitter, a grandparent, a friend who will swap with us, a partner. Our toddler will learn that there are other special people in their life whom we trust and with whom they will be safe. So it’s a win-win.
Daily rituals
My morning and evening rituals probably have the biggest effect on how I show up as a parent. It’s not strict, but it’s fairly consistent most days. It helps me be intentional about how I live each day, rather than reacting to what life throws at me.
Immediate reaction is not always required
Unless our child is in immediate danger, there is generally enough time to at least count to three in our head before reacting to any situation.
Saying sorry
can always say to my child (or anyone, for that matter), “I’m so sorry. I should not have . . . What I could have said/done is . . .” This sets a far stronger example for our child than blaming someone else.